Hi my name is Lazyeels and I’m a serial killer…

If you  have a sensitive disposition – look away now.

Hi my name is Lazyeels and as I said before, I’m a serial killer! I’m only 34 years old, but already I’m responsible for more deaths in the world than most could claim responsibility for.  I’ve slapped prostitutes to the floor, hogged tied them, and run them over with a horse and cart, or led them away from their cosy towns and shoved them off steep cliffs.  They wouldn’t take my money, despite the “how do you do”.  

It’s not just prostitutes, anyone has been fair game, if I’m bored.  I love it when they try to run away, I give them a head start of course (that would be unsporting otherwise), but when they think they’re about to make it,… POW!!  I’ve even turned the safety switch off and wiped out whole camp sites of travellers and hippies by sword, pistol, and private magic show, then gone off on a sexual spree in the near by town. I’ve even attempted, and succeeded at committing suicide.

I recently read an article on a UK survey looking at how people perceive the relationship between violence and video games as both players and non-players. Of course, now you realise I was talking about killing NPCs all along and I’m not actually a danger to the public. It got me thinking about my past game-based acts of crime and violence.

I love Assassins Creed III, I’ve played it for hours! However, I have to confess that I just only got on to dry land at the beginning of the game, and still haven’t started the missions. Why? Because I’m the lead choreographer for the best looking, most satisfying death dance – wiping out the populace one by one. Of course, you have to be careful otherwise you desynchronise – as killing innocent people is considered bad practice according to the game designers.

Is this worrying behaviour? Am I a well adjusted individual or was I directing and acting out an alternative dark facet of Mr Marsdens personality – Jack the Ripper of the wild west.  It wasn’t designed that way (perhaps), but the game engine gave me the tools I needed. I just added the seasoning.  

Looking at my history of real world acts of violence, I’ve never punched someone in the face (might add that to my bucket list), or karate chopped someone in the neck. I’ve been punched in the face by others a few times though. I guess if I’m honest, the last time I really lashed out was when I was 5 years old and I kicked a kid in my class for taking my friends away, he had a really big bruise on his shin, and I felt really bad afterwards. Back then we owned a Spectrum ZX 48k, the only game I guess that could have brought on that kind of violent behaviour was either Horace goes Skiing, or Death Chase.

It’s highly possible that if my exploits were grounded in reality I would be a house hold name in the serial killer world by now.  Reality is far different – there are consequences.  If you kill someone, you’re going to have to tidy up the mess, police are going to get involved, and you’ll end up having to explain yourself to a lot of people, not just your Mother.  This will take up a lot of your time that could otherwise be better spent gaming! In terms of promiscuity, the chances of an STD, unwanted fatherdom, or getting stalked is greatly increased compared to those little jaunts in Fable. 

I believe we all have violent tendencies, and all aspects of our nature creative and destructive (or a mixture of both) should be fed and explored. Games like Red Dead Redemption, Fable, and Assassins Creed allow me to nurture my deviant side. The reason it doesn’t manifest in the real world is because I understand that that’s not how I should function if I want an easy life, and the things that come with being someone with a fairly good moral code, and relatively well adjusted to social conventions.  Don’t get me wrong, if the game mechanic did not allow killing, I would be off exploring some other aspects of my creative side.

It’s been more than a year now since my Jack the ripper phase, and I still haven’t slapped or hogged tied a real prostitute (bucket list?), and I still don’t own a horse or a cart,… I don’t even have a car license, but I’m a regular human being just like you who knows the difference.

Would I do it all again, yes,… yes I think I would!


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